记一次作文修改思路

Makabaka18802025年3月21日...大约 6 分钟

记一次作文修改思路

写在前面

这是帮我一个IB体系下的同学改的作文哈我本人不学IB 所以不确定具体的评分细则是什么

我是按照ACT阅读的修改题的要求来进行proofread的欢迎大佬进行指正

Original Draft

Everyone has a dream, and mine is to become an excellent dentist. I hope to live in a peceful place where I can enjoy peaceful moments. In my free time, I want to go to the seaside sit by the ocean, and read books. But more importantly, I want to use my skills to help people. My interest in dentistry started because of my own experiences. When I was a child, I loved eating sweets. which led to serious dental problems. I had to visit the dentist many times and spent a lot d money on treatment.
However, some of the dentists I visited were not skilled and instead of fixing my teeth, they made my pain worser. I realized that many people in society might have similar experiences. Some may suffer from bad dental care, while others may not be able to afford it.
Another reason I want to be an dentist is that I want to help people in need. Good teeth are very important for people's health. My grandma has serious dental problems, and then after spending a lot of money on treatments, her condition didn't improve. Because of her bad teeth, she can't eat many foods, which affects her nutrition and health. This made me realize how important it is to have access to good dental care. In the future, I want to do volunteer work in poor areas if I have opportunity, helping people who can't afford proper treatment. To achieve my dream,
I'll study hard and gain the skills needed to become a great dentist.
Maybe someday. I can make a real difference in people's lives and see their smile with confidence.
Finally, I want to say "Be the change that you wish to see in the world."

Paragraph 1 - Intro

Breakdown

Everyone has a dream, and mine is to become an excellent dentist.

I hope to live in a peceful place where I can enjoy peaceful moments.

CRITICAL - SP Peceful -> Peaceful

Diction Repetition of peace sounds boring.
Consider sth like

I hope to live in a peaceful world where I can enjoy serene moments.

In my free time, I want to go to the seaside, sit by the ocean, and read books.

Parallelism

go to the seaside: main verb + aux verb + article + obj
sit by the ocean: main verb + aux verb + article + obj
read books: main verb + obj
Consider sth like
In my free time, I want to go to the seaside, sit by the ocean, and read (books) by the shore.

But more importantly, I want to use my skills to help people.

Result

Everyone has a dream, and mine is to become an excellent dentist. I hope to live in a peaceful place where I can enjoy serene moments. In my free time, I want to go to the seaside, sit by the ocean, and read books. But more importantly, I want to use my skills to help people.

Theme isn’t prominent; consider restructuring/adding things?

Paragraph 2 - Statement

Breakdown

My interest in dentistry started because of my own experiences.

Diction started because of -> emerged from
Ignore this suggestion if going for a concise/simple tone

When I was a child, I loved eating sweets, which led to serious dental problems.

Ambiguous Reference which led to is not specific enough
Consider sth like
When I was a child, I loved eating sweets . This habit led to some serious dental problems.

I had to visit the dentist many times and spent a lot of money on treatment.

Tense

Visit: simple past
Spent: past perfect
Grammatically correct but incoherent in parallel
Consider sth like
I had to visit the dentist repeatedly and spend a lot of money.

Structure Consider combining it with your last sentence.
When I was a child, I loved eating sweets . This led to some serious dental problems, requiring frequent visits to the dentist and significant expenses.

However, some of the dentists I visited were not skilled and instead of fixing my teeth, they made my pain worser.

CRITICAL - Form worser -> worse

Structure The command separated the sentence in an awkward place.
Consider sth like
However, some of the dentists I visited were not skilled. Instead of alleviating my pain, they made it worse.

I realized that many people in society might have similar experiences. Some may suffer from bad dental care, while others may not be able to afford it.

Ambiguous Reference in society sounds a bit empty. Some isn’t referencing correctly
Consider sth like
I realized that many people in our society might face similar challenges — some struggle with poor dental care, while others simply cannot afford it.

Result

My interest in dentistry emerged from my own experiences. When I was a child, I loved eating sweets. When I was a child, I loved eating sweets. This led to some serious dental problems, requiring frequent visits to the dentist and significant expenses. However, some of the dentists I visited lacked skill; instead of alleviating my pain, they made it worse. I realized that many in our society might face similar challenges - some struggle with poor dental care while others simply cannot afford it.

Pretty nice

Paragraph 3 - Statement

Breakdown

Another reason I want to be an dentist is that I want to help people in need.

CRITICAL - Articles an dentist -> a dentist

Tone Use more academic phrasing
Consider sth like
Another reason I want to be a dentist is that I want to help those in need.

Good teeth are very important for people's health.

Tone Use more academic phrasing then Good teeth
Consider sth like
Health teeth are very important for one’s wellbeing.

My grandma has serious dental problems, and then after spending a lot of money on treatments, her condition didn't improve.

CRITICAL - Run-on

My grandma has serious dental problems: Independent clause
After spending a lot of money on treatments, her condition didn't improve: Also an independent clause

Delivery
Try to keep the focus on the expense without making health sound like a direct transaction.
Consider sth like
My grandma suffered from serious dental problems. Despite all the treatments she went through, her condition remained unchanged.

Because of her bad teeth, she can't eat many foods, which affects her nutrition and health.

Tone Bad teeth is informal, which is inconsistent with an academic essay and the overall tone.
Consider sth like
Due to her condition, she struggles to eat a variety of food, which negatively impacts her nutrition and overall well-being.

This made me realize how important it is to have access to good dental care.

Delivery Maybe try to replace this with a better reference, bringing the essay together

Consider sth like
Witnessing my grandma’s pain, I began to realize how crucial it is for everyone to have access to proper dental care.

In the future, I want to do volunteer work in poor areas if I have opportunity, helping people who can't afford proper treatment.

CRUCIAL - Article Opportunity -> the opportunity

Structure Maybe omit have the opportunity altogether for conciseness

Organization move to a seperate conclusion paragraph?
Consider sth like
In the future, I would like to participate in non-profit medical initiatives in underserved areas, helping those who can't afford proper treatment.

To achieve my dream, I'll study hard and gain the skills needed to become a great dentist.

Organization If not explicitly stated in the succ. crit., this sentence isn’t necessary. I’d recommend deleting it or elaborating on this sentence.

Maybe someday, I can make a real difference in people's lives and see their smile with confidence.

CRUCIAL - Form

If smile is a verb: … see them smile with confidence.
If smile is a noun: … see their confident smile.
Or change the sentence organization altogether

Organization move to a seperate conclusion paragraph?

Consider sth like
Someday, I will make a real difference in people's lives and help them regain the confidence to smile.

Finally, I want to say "Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”

Organization Move to a separate conclusion paragraph?

Result

Another reason I want to be a dentist is that I want to help those in need. My grandma suffered from serious dental problems. Despite all the treatments she went through, her condition remained unchanged. Witnessing my grandma’s pain, I began to realize how crucial it is for everyone to have access to proper dental care. In the future, I would like to participate in non-profit medical initiatives in underserved areas, helping those who can't afford proper treatment.

Revised draft

Everyone has a dream, and mine is to become an excellent dentist. I hope to live in a peaceful world where I can enjoy serene moments. In my free time, I want to go to the seaside, sit by the ocean, and read books. But more importantly, I want to use my skills to help people.

Main Mods Some grammatical errs
Further Adjs Content not relevant to the theme

My interest in dentistry emerged from my own experiences. When I was a child, I loved eating sweets. When I was a child, I loved eating sweets. This led to some serious dental problems, requiring frequent visits to the dentist and significant expenses. However, some of the dentists I visited lacked skill; instead of alleviating my pain, they made it worse. I realized that many in our society might face similar challenges - some struggle with poor dental care while others simply cannot afford it.

Main Mods Sentence organization and struct
Further Adjs Balance out the tone furthermore

Another reason I want to be a dentist is that I want to help those in need. My grandma suffered from serious dental problems. Despite all the treatments she underwent, her condition remained unchanged. Witnessing my grandma’s pain, I began to realize how crucial it is for everyone to have access to proper dental care. In the future, I would like to participate in non-profit medical initiatives in underserved areas, helping those who can't afford proper treatment.

Main Mods Sentence organization and structure, word choice, grammatical errs
Further Adjs Adjust content as needed

To achieve my dream, I'll study hard and gain the skills needed to become a great dentist. Maybe someday, I can make a real difference in people's lives and help them regain the confidence to smile. As the saying goes, 'Be the change that you wish to see in the world.'

Main Mods Created conclusion paragraph
Further Adjs Polish language usage furthermore